You know how you tell anecdotes sometimes that are kinda funny but, as the storyteller, you know there’s a darker aspect to it than the fluffy outer shell?
I’ve noticed that I don’t get too depressed when I’m drinking, but I do suffer what I refer to as “lack of resilience”. It’s like I have zero capacity to handle even the slightest of setbacks. So, the funny-dark story comes in because of a time I was trying to leave the house with my two small humans, and I dropped my coffee on our slate entryway. It was in one of those unspillable cups and just made a massive clanging noise, didn’t even spill. But in my frustrated, zero-resilience state, I exclaimed loudly, “f*cking HELL!”
My sweet 3 year old dutifully chirrupped in her singsongy little voice, “fucking HELL, fucking HELL” for at least the next ten minutes.
I tell the story as a funny anecdote to my less-than-admirable mom actions that rub off on my kids (she stopped saying it after I told her it was a mistake and we shouldn’t use language like that). But I know the truth, that I was hungover and low on patience and it wasn’t a big deal to drop my coffee except that Ev.Er.Y.Thing is a big deal when you’re hung over.
So yesterday, this happened:
Except now I’m almost a week sober and my resilience is regrowing. I didn’t even exclaim, more just remarked, “oh fudge.” Then I calmly cleaned it up. My toddler didn’t notice because it wasn’t charged with emotion. And I didn’t feel like a complete asshat for failing to bounce back from the absolute tiniest of inconveniences.
I know there is WAY more going on in the world right now that rightfully deserves my attention and outrage, and spilled or dropped coffee is NOT it. I am grateful today for a sobriety that allows me to open up my worldview and spend less time focusing on the tiny nothings of my day to day that used to be a big deal.
😂😂😂 The picture!! in both the words and the image. Ah I am loving your blog so much. Thanks for sharing. :))
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Saddest part was so much of my fancy treat coffee wasted….
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Great insight and sooooo true about resilience. I have found a calm and peace I never knew I had pre-sobriety. I was generally known as a stressed person but I view myself very differently now and your children do notice. They will grow up with a great role model. The day my 15 yr old told me he was so proud and pleased I’d stopped drinking was the day I realised the impact my drinking had had on my two boys. Keep going ..
Claire xxx
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Aw that’s amazing! Your heart must have almost burst!
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It did. They have gotten used to me not drinking now but at first they kept telling EVERYONE .. it was quite embarrassing 😳
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Better than the alternative, I guess – being the butt of a kid’s comment about Mommy’s drinking habit!
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Yes, that sounds familiar to me, too.
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This is such a good insight to have! I realised very late that much of my dysregulation was related to the swings of alcohol in and out my body – I thought it was just how I was and I’m a bloody psychiatrist! I have many scummy mummy moments from my girls childhood – thankfully they still love me and I’m #sobermummy now – keep going you’re doing great! 💞
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I honestly thought it was just new mom fatigue after my first but eventually I learned that it coincided more strongly with hangovers. Ridiculous the things we don’t notice that are right under our noses! Kids are remarkably forgiving (at least, this young) but I would way rather just be a #sobermummy than depend on their forgiveness!
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