So, I fucked up last night.
Well actually, I’m not sure I’d say it was a fuck up. The cravings started like CRAZY in the late afternoon. I don’t know about other people, but urge surfing often does not work for me. It felt like the cravings came in waves that got stronger and stronger until finally, as the husband was bathing the kids, I drove ten minutes into town to buy wine. Of course, I drank it all.
Honestly, the only thing keeping me from going sooner to buy the wine was knowing that I’d have to write to you all about it! I considered not admitting it. I considered shutting down the whole blog. In the end I decided that someone else reading this might need to know that it’s freaking hard for other people too.
I have the shittiest hangover today, worse than normal. The brain fog is insane. I’m lightheaded. I’m nauseous. I was at work this morning and I struggled to string together a well-worded sentence. This one task I was working on took at least three times longer than it needed to. I feel annoyed with myself but also not too upset because I fought those cravings so hard for so many hours.
I just wish I knew WHY some days are so much harder. I wish there was a way to pre-steel myself for the tough days so I’m not on high alert every day because that’s just exhausting.
The learning from this (because there has to be a learning or it was just a big waste) is that in the past I’d probably say “fuck it” and drink tonight too and maybe the next few nights but this time, I’m not doing that. I’m going to dust myself off, remember how crappy I feel right now for as long as possible and get another 6 days under my belt.