I started a new journaling app today and this was the prompt and the outcome:
Goal: I want to successfully complete 100 days sober in a row
Make it easier: I need to get to ten days first. I’ve only done that once in the last 10 months. After ten days, I’ll do another ten. Then another ten and another and and and…
I know that being on “vacation” at the lake is a big trigger for me. Drinking starts early and is a given. And we are here so much, which is AWESOME in many ways but such a scary ground to start sobriety.
I’ve been white knuckling and I know that’s a recipe for disaster (obviously, as I’ve failed at my commitment NOT to drink for the last 8 days in a row). Wolfie tends to tell me right after nap time that it’s been a hard day and I need to bliss out with a good wine buzz. Problem is, I KNOW this bliss is short-lived and I KNOW I’ll be upset the next day with myself but I still do it.
I’ve been working on picturing my inner guide as a beautiful, older lady dressed in flowing clothes who lives in the middle of my chest cavity and is there just waiting for me to ask for her help.
This beautiful lady wants only good for me. She knows me and knows I’m capable of moving mountains and knows I get stuck in the small things. But she’s rooting for me.
I need to actually ask her for help when that addictive voice starts speaking seductively to me. Actually, it’s not seductive, it’s more like a good buddy cajoling me into a drink. “You can always start tomorrow, may as well tack on one more drinking day. What’s the big deal?”
The big deal is that my life is so small when I have to live it hungover. It’s full of silly irritations that are totally unnecessary and that I probably wouldn’t notice with a clean and clear head. It keeps me mediocre and dear GOD there is nothing I want less than to be mediocre.
She can help. My inner guide is me and she is powerful beyond measure.