The beautiful lady living in my thoracic cavity

I started a new journaling app today and this was the prompt and the outcome:

Goal: I want to successfully complete 100 days sober in a row
Make it easier: I need to get to ten days first. I’ve only done that once in the last 10 months. After ten days, I’ll do another ten. Then another ten and another and and and…

I know that being on “vacation” at the lake is a big trigger for me. Drinking starts early and is a given. And we are here so much, which is AWESOME in many ways but such a scary ground to start sobriety.

I’ve been white knuckling and I know that’s a recipe for disaster (obviously, as I’ve failed at my commitment NOT to drink for the last 8 days in a row). Wolfie tends to tell me right after nap time that it’s been a hard day and I need to bliss out with a good wine buzz. Problem is, I KNOW this bliss is short-lived and I KNOW I’ll be upset the next day with myself but I still do it. 

I’ve been working on picturing my inner guide as a beautiful, older lady dressed in flowing clothes who lives in the middle of my chest cavity and is there just waiting for me to ask for her help.

This beautiful lady wants only good for me. She knows me and knows I’m capable of moving mountains and knows I get stuck in the small things. But she’s rooting for me. 

I need to actually ask her for help when that addictive voice starts speaking seductively to me. Actually, it’s not seductive, it’s more like a good buddy cajoling me into a drink. “You can always start tomorrow, may as well tack on one more drinking day. What’s the big deal?”

The big deal is that my life is so small when I have to live it hungover. It’s full of silly irritations that are totally unnecessary and that I probably wouldn’t notice with a clean and clear head. It keeps me mediocre and dear GOD there is nothing I want less than to be mediocre. 

She can help. My inner guide is me and she is powerful beyond measure.

18 thoughts on “The beautiful lady living in my thoracic cavity

  1. Oh yes! Oh And I didnt tell my partner either. I wanted to see if this was something I could do quietly getting support from here rather than her seeing yet another promise of change that never materialised. Then of course my partner made comments like oh you havent had a drink for a while and it all became quite organic and not such a big deal. After a few months I did say to her that it was my intention to stop and possibly for good. I think with this process it’s important that people do it in a way that’s right and comfortable for them. Good Luck x

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  2. So true about never regretting waking up sober. I think it was that sense of wasted time, dealing with hangovers and lethargy caused by drinking that made me decide to quit. Yes I still occasionally fancy a wine or 5 because I di really love wine. But booze was a fickle and demanding friend . He had to go and that’s let life in. Trust in yourself, that guide seems wise. X

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  3. My life is so small when I live it hungover – that’s a great thought to hold on to when you’re wavering! I would think about what’s stopping you telling your husband – is it about him and how he’ll react or is it about you – fear of failure, not really wanting to commit to it etc? I think you need to figure that out as there’s a barrier in there somewhere. Alcohol addiction is a secretive sneaky thing and the opposite of that is openness and talking and connecting so I think by not telling him drinking has an advantage from the start so it’s harder for you though I don’t know your circumstances so forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn. Xxx💞💞💞

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    1. You hit the nail on the head about not telling him – absolutely a fear of truly committing to it. Honestly, his whole family drinks too much and he has a lot of judgment about how much they waste their lives due to it. My fear is being painted with that same brush. I manage to still be relatively productive but I know I could be way better without booze. I always think I can just hide the truth from him, fix the problem, and he’ll never know. It’s just been way harder to maintain sobriety than I thought…

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  4. I started my sober journey the week before a weekend away with 8 other couples celebrating my brother’s 50th birthday. A very boozy weekend and I survived it. I actually noticed for the first time that others don’t generally drink as much as me and after the first night, many just had one or two drinks the following evening. I always assumed everyone paired it down their throat like I did! Not so at all. You can do it. Believe in yourself x

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    1. Thank you, Claire! I’ve done a number of boozy events without partaking (my brother’s wedding with an open bar as a notable example) so you’re right, I CAN do it. It’s like working out – hard to make yourself do it but you NEVER regret having done it. I NEVER EVER EVER regret waking up sober.

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  5. Yes, I can relate to this. The “I can always start tomorrow” and “but not when x is happening” stuff. Well, I started my hundred days right before a visit to my family at Thanksgiving, a big and jolly drinking fest if ever there was one. I was just so sick of feeling bad and worrying about drinking that I was determined to see if I could do it. And I did! You can do it, too! With small children like yours, the late afternoon-early evening drinking time seems particularly enticing. Can you ask your husband to take the kids for a few hours during that time so you can hide or walk or blog or read quit lit or whatever you need to do to keep your promise to yourself? Many hugs!! You can do it!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks, Leafy. I haven’t exactly… um… TOLD my husband I’m attempting this… Seems crazy! He’s all for supporting my mental health but I’m still ashamed to vocalize just how bad it’s gotten for me. But I did do a little exercise during nap time and have downloaded a new sober app that I’m really liking. Gotta keep tacking on layers!

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