Relieved and wary (Day 1)

Technically yesterday was my first full sober day in a while, so I’m on Day 2 now, but I think it helps to not count the day until it’s complete! I did decide to count publicly again, purely for my own accountability.

So – I’m relieved. Relieved for a morning with no regret (just a crackin’ headache and exhausted in spite of the alleged 7.5 hrs of sleep my Fitbit claims I got). Wary because I have been here so. many. times.

We had a flurry of family stuff the last ten days and I drank 9 of them. I learned that I need to stop being so private and scared about my sobriety. It’s a tiny precious baby. By not protecting it out of fear of judgment or being “other” with my in-laws, I am being an incredibly neglectful caregiver.

I think it’s simple, actually. The drink that calls me is wine, and my in-laws consistently bring over a box and leave it on the counter. I will just ask them to not leave it on the counter! If they put it somehwere out of site, where I can’t sneak a glass when others aren’t looking (as if they cared – I haven’t told any of them I’m trying for long-term sobriety), I will be less likely to cave.

Also, honestly, I need to limit my exposure to the heavy-drinking side of the family for a while. It was a brutal couple weeks with a couple different events and I regretted every single time I decided to drink. The only “good” thing about it was having a few bonding moments with my sister-in-law, whose relationship with her brother/my husband is not good and full of a lot of insecurity and judgment. It felt like I was rebuilding a bridge a little by relaxing and chatting.

But – that could be done sober too. I just don’t actually sit and chat sober because I’m either chasing littles or trying to cook or sleeping! And – oh wow this sounds horrible to say – I actually like her better when I’m tipsy and don’t care as much about the contradictory nonsense and excuse-making that comes out of her mouth all day long.

Whoa, hello Judgypants. Guess it’s not just her own brother who judges her.

That was a little bit of a rambling tangent there but the point is: I’m relieved to be off the pop again, as the Brits like to say. But I am wary because I know I sink all too quickly into confidence and out of vigilance. I’m layering my sober tools like a sonofagun this time. I started a new sober app that has a daily pledge with a picture of my two cherubs to remind me why I’m doing this. We all deserve a better me!