The things that I could do today to bring me joy are:
1. Sitting and reading with my kids at a random time of day (i.e. not just before bedtime)
2. Going for a run
3. Getting a few rows into my crochet blanket
Ok, maybe “joy” is farfetched but these things would bring me contentment and satisfaction, and a feeling of a life well-lived. This is what I think is a big, gaping hole on my drinking days, and sort of mirrors the concept of mediocrity that plagues me. Drinking days waste my life. They waste time while I’m doing it, and they waste time the next day while I recover and am less than good as I live my life.
I know the first couple weeks require a lot of gentleness on my part: no pressure to do too much or to start losing weight. Really, I just keep people fed and not get fired, which is easy considering how little I’m working in COVID times anyway!
The thing is, I used to think drinking brought me joy. I know now that drinking brought me sedation and the absence of stress and pain. This is NOT the same as joy. As my drinking evolved, I started recognizing that while the sedation of it was pleasant at the time, it brings about a disproportionate amount of unpleasantness on the back end.
What a sad reflection that would be on my life if I didn’t end up stopping drinking: “she lived a life where she didn’t feel a lot of pain or stress.” Uh, BORING. That does not sound like how I’d like my obituary to read. “She gave life her best and was fully present for all its ups and downs.” Much better legacy, and more realistic than “she lived life full throttle and on her own terms” which I don’t think any of us really can or want to do!
What brings you joy? Or at least brings you satisfaction of a day decently-lived, which may be more attainable than joy! 🙂