It’s been a rollercoaster few weeks and I drank most days since Father’s Day. Bleh.
But, hubby has joined me for Dry July (well, at least for the two first weeks), and I feel massively encouraged by that.
He and I had chatted a few weeks back about my drinking. He’s not terribly observant and I’m pretty sneaky (as I think all heavy drinkers are!), so he doesn’t know how bad my dirty little problem was getting. He actually said at the time that he doesn’t see a problem with me cutting back but thinks that maybe giving it up completely is too much. Again – if he knew how much I actually consumed, I have no doubt he’d be singing a different tune.
In any case, he’s dry with me for a couple weeks which is fun! I plan to do the whole month. I feel like if I can get a month under my belt then I’ll have gathered momentum to hopefully push me onward. Up until now the longest I’d gone in a long time was ten days but usually it’s 2-3 days at a time before I throw in the towel and bring all momentum to a crashing halt.
I was listening to a sober podcast today where the guest (Ronnie Stevenson) told a story about a person who wants to get sober and asks a sober guru for help. They agree to meet at a beach the next day, at which point they walk into the water. The guru then pushes the person under the water and holds them there, struggling, until they almost drown.
Finally, the person is released and comes up choking and sputtering, and obviously furious. The person demands to know why the guru did that, and the guru responds something like, “as soon as you want sobriety as much as you wanted breath when you were underwater, then it will be yours.”
My question to myself: do I want sobriety as much as I want to breathe?
Honestly, I waffle so much. I want to want sobriety. But I also really enjoy the blissful sedation in those first heady hours when the buzz settles in. I really do not enjoy the ensuing hangover, impatience, thirst, poor sleep, shame, irritability, anxiety, etc.
I wonder when I will pass over the secret, hidden line where I value the joys of sobriety more than the sedation of a good buzz, enough to take seriously the side effects of drinking. Everyone you hear from who’s long-term sober (we’re talking 6 months plus) says it’s amazing, incredible, joyful, and I have no reason to doubt that. And yet – for some reason I doubt them otherwise, why would I keep drinking?
As usual, I have no tidy conclusions for this line of thinking.
All I know is that today, I have pledged for the health and happiness of myself and my family, not to drink. It’s going to be a good evening. I love clocking sober days!