First off, can all you wonderful, lovely, encouraging people go check out https://findingthebestofme419040771.wordpress.com/? She is new-ish here and needs bolstering from all you hearty souls out there!
Next: I think I may have had a breakthrough? Of sorts?
So, I’ve read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace which was hugely helpful in reframing some of the things I believed to be true about booze (most critical being that I need it to relax). The truths in the book carried me for months all the way to a stumbling block where I’ve been stagnating for months now.
While I recognize that booze doesn’t actually relax me, I do know that it DOES sedate me. And I like feeling sedated. I like blissing out into that immobile state where I do nothing of importance except breathe. What I’ve been struggling with is why, when I have a really great life (loving husband, pretty amazing, albeit challenging, preschooler/toddler, a flexible job, comfortable finances), why do I feel I need to sedate myself from experiencing it?
THE BREAKTHROUGH: I have high expectations for myself. Higher, honestly, than they ought to be. I feel like, after work, I should completely tidy the kitchen and prep dinner for tomorrow and lay out my clothes and pack the kids’ day care backpacks. I should do something creative: crochet, sew, scrapbook. I should declutter and clean and complete the tasks that nag me and keep my home from feeling truly peaceful. I should put time into the coursework I need to advance to the next level in my career.
But – I just don’t wanna.
So, instead of being a mature adult who recognizes and respects her emotional needs and allows herself downtime in the evening to recharge, I bliss out and sedate myself with booze so that I simply CAN’T be productive.
It is the oddest, most contradictory thing, but it’s almost like I say to myself, I’d rather be drunk and unproductive than lazy and unproductive. Like somehow it’s better to down a bottle of wine and waste money and time the next day recovering, than simply being gentle with myself and saying “hey, your day wasn’t that tough but you know what? You have one life to live, and if you want to live it on the couch rewatching Queer Eye on Netflix, have at ‘er. That’s okay.”
To boil it down, I was using booze as an excuse to be unproductive rather than giving myself the grace and freedom to just BE unproductive, and be ok with it.
Phew. That thought came to me at that old favorite time of day for us addicts, the sleepless 3 AM hour.
I’m on day 4 today and I am going to expect nothing of myself tonight except kindness and compassion, and sobriety. And hopefully WAY fewer wakeless 3 AMs in my future!