Muddy and tired but climbing

I made a new sober mom friend through a private Facebook group I joined. She’s new to attempting sobriety (not an old hand at failed attempts like I am!) and asked me what works for me.

My response:

“I think I’ve come to a realization, that there isn’t ever going to be one thing that works for me.

“I’m kinda going with the “throw anything and everything at it as needed” plan. Some days I won’t need much. Some days a mug of tea and a book in the bath will be ok. Some days it’s going to be a knock-down, drag out fight throwing every last ounce of resistance at it. And some days, I’ll just drink. I have to be ok with the process, and the learning, and the knowledge that I’m improving even though all my brain wants to see is the “failure” days.

“But it’s been empowering in a weird way to relax on my search for the one right thing and just keep going with all the little things that do make a difference but seem totally lame. LIke, seriously? Who solves addiction with a variety of herbal teas. CHILD’S PLAY. But, if it adds that 5% of resistance that I need to get through today then who am I to knock it?”

Sometimes I feel like a person struggling to climb out of a deep hole. There’s nothing graceful or calculated about my attempts, like those beautiful rock climbers you can see in clips practically floating up rock faces. This is a scrappy, muddy effort but you know what? All that matters is that I get out of the hole. Grap that branch, brace myself on that rock, whatever works to get out, I just need to do it and stop thinking there’s a best way or a right way.

I’m currently on my 6th consecutive boozeless day. I’ve only drank twice so far in July. That, my friends, is progress. And I am very proud of myself.

11 thoughts on “Muddy and tired but climbing

  1. You are most definitely sparkling! I can see it, the flames rolling right off you. You’re taking back your power, a little here, a little there, and then a giant leap forward. Beautiful writing. Hang in there!

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  2. Everyone’s path is different in sobriety. You’re right to say, “I just need to do it and stop thinking there’s a best way or a right way.” Keep working at it; don’t give up!

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