Technically I need to make it through tonight to get to two weeks sober but I have zero doubt I will so I’m calling it early. 14 days!
Last time I was here was about this time last year. I had lots of short stints, 2-4 days at a time, between then and now. I had a couple that were 10 ish, a couple that were 6-7, but haven’t cracked through that two week barrier in a year.
Honestly, I think the brainwashing is starting to pay off. It’s taken a year and a half of reading and rereading and testing and observing and honestly a lot of periods of not caring and drinking with wild abandon. But I think the facts I’ve been learning about booze are starting to stick.
Here’s what’s changing:
- I’m starting to be able to truly play through to the bottom of the bottle. I can hop past the romanticized relief of the first glass and see myself with the last glass, sloppy and fuzzy, staying up too late and already feeling guilty, anticipating the shame of waking up.
- I’m questioning what my brain tells me: “it’s Friday and you deserve to get lost in a bottle of white to celebrate the warm autumn sun and the end of a long week.” Hang on: is that true? Is it actually relaxing? Does it ever play out like I imagine it will? NO. I have small kids and relaxing on a Friday is not something they’ve learned to do yet. Plus, it’s not actually relaxing. See next point.
- I’m learning to see the truth of the first glass too. Even without the kids around, it’s never as peaceful and blissful as I imagine, because that first sip just wakens the beast who wants more more more so immediately I start contemplating and feeling anxious about my next glass. When is too soon to refill? Is my husband watching? Can I sneak a glug out of his glass? Oh shoot he wants more too now there’s even LESS for me!
- I really like other fizzy things on ice. Like truly do! Not only does ginger beer taste good, but I could have 7 and no one would bat an eye. But I wouldn’t have 7! One does the trick! Maybe this is how “normies” feel about one glass of booze!
Mostly I assume the brainwashing is really taking effect because it’s been two weeks and I’m nervous to even write it down but — it’s been pretty easy. It’s never been easy before! It’s mostly been agony. But this time I Just. Don’t. Want. It. I’ve had a few cravey feelings but I can immediately see them as false external thoughts and brush them away as not real and not important.
The thought of forever is still terrifying so I won’t commit to that. I know I’ll do 30 days and am pretty sure I’ll do longer but even the fact that 30 days isn’t terrifying is testament to how different this current time is.
For the record, I still feel tired as hell. I’ve been going to bed at 9 and feeling really fine about that. I truly hope that perks up soon because I’d like to start to have time to exercise along with working, momming, wifing and taking care of the house and geriatric dogs!
Anyone else remember when they stopped feeling bone-tired?