Rookie mistake

I’ve been feeling ridiculously cravey for four days now. Strong, almost physically painful pangs to just NUMB. My life is feeling so blah and I can pinpoint a thousand reasons for it but bottom line is, the cravings are there and they are pulling out all the stops.

I have a group of sober girlfriends who are supporting each other through these early days (6 weeks today, woop!), and honestly, the only thing that kept me from downing a bottle of wine was the knowledge that I didn’t want to tell them I had. But – I wasn’t grateful to them for that. I was actually angry. I was mad that their existence kept me from behaving in the self-destructive ways I really wanted to.

I told them this (they’re addicts, they get it!). One of them replied, “Remember, it’s not the wine you want. What you actually want is to not feel like shit for a while.”

DUH.

This is where the rookie mistake came in. I’ve been on this sober journey for close to two years now and my brain knows that feelings are going to come up and they’re going to be hard and I’m going to have to figure out new ways of enduring them. And yet – when that scenario was happening in full technicolor, I totally lost sight of what was happening. I started believing the old voice that told me booze would fix it.

I’ve been rolling this thought around in my head for the last half day since she said it, and it’s starting to wear down the edges of the cravings. They’re still there, but I feel like I’ve sort of capped their intensity a bit. I’m in the middle of tearing my eyes away from staring at the cravings and moving my vision toward other coping mechanisms.

This is all just hard. I knew it would be, and it is. And I can remind myself it’s early days yet, but it’s still hard. I’m told that 100 days is when you start to really see the light at the end of the tunnel, and 6 months or so you start to come out of the tunnel completely. But right now, I’m still just in the dark, moving on faith that this is indeed a tunnel leading somewhere and not just a dank, musty cave.

Total downer post! But – for posterity – I want to make sure I remember how bad it is right now. I don’t want to be here again.

Please comment with your favorite coping mechanisms to not feel like shit. I’m willing to try anything right now!

13 thoughts on “Rookie mistake

  1. So many good comments here and this is not a downer post, it’s an important post and you need to dump all those thoughts and feelings on here. I can’t remember if it was you or someone else who recommended the book ‘how I murdered my life’. There is a quote towards the end which really resonated with me. The author is a drug addict but what she says of her addiction is true for alcohol too ….
    “..instead of learning to push through my helplessness and overcome obstacles, I’d learned that I could chemically alter my brain. But the medicine never worked as well as it did in the beginning”.
    There will always be tough times and ‘meh’ moments, but if we get though them using drinking as the solution then we don’t find and learn to use other tools and resources. Soon we have no resource other than booze and we need to increase the dosage each time. Bam 💥 addiction! You will get past this and then the next time is easier and so on. Bath, bed early, cozy up, nice food and a great book with a cup of hot chocolate. They are my ‘go to’ resources. You are doing brilliantly. Well done 👏 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love everyone else’s comments, great suggestions all. I personally found going to bed early, in cozy pajamas, maybe with something yummy to eat or drink to really help me. Also, blogging every day if you need to, even if just to check in and say “still sober!” 💕

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am trying to do 100 days right now too, I’ve started over so many times. The thing that keeps me going is hearing over and over and OVER again from wonderful fellow bloggers, that it WILL get better. Of course I’m not quite sure if that is true, but one thing is certain – if I fall back into old patterns, I will NEVER KNOW how good I might feel. And I want to know.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I restarted a thousand times too. And I’m in the same boat – going by faith in what others say and also just dogged determination to see it for myself. My 100 days should be in early February if all goes well. Just gotta make it through the holidays…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been hearing this term self-medicating more and more in reference to doing things like drinking alcohol and going into the fog. It describes well my past experiences. The question comes up then what are we “medicating”? What internally needs addressed or healed? Sitting with this noise is indeed hard, but sometimes we are so close to a breakthrough. Tell the noise you are listening, send it love, and ask what it needs. If that doesn’t work get your butt outside for a walk, feel the cold on your face, feel your heart pumping, and you are now out of your head😊. My theory is god didn’t birth us into this realm needing to escape and it’s proven true for me. It’s now crisp, clear, soft, hard…and I now am sober so I can grow as intended. Hope this helps in some way.🤗

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Bubble baths, cheesecake, hallmark movies.
    Life is an unending series of ups and downs.
    Doing exactly what you are doing….noticing it, talking about it and allowing it…is deep self awareness.
    This will carry you far!

    The entire first year is very startling. Every event is new. Things require planning and coping. Year 2 is simpler.

    You are doing great.
    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I remember feeling the exact same as you. I’m nearly at 5 months and can confirm I’m starting to come out of the tunnel. It’s so hard when you’re in the thick of it. I do yoga, run and read when I’m feeling crappy. I know some love baths, but I dont have the time.
    You’ve got this, I believe in you ♡♡

    Liked by 2 people

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