I first started this blog back in June 2020, at which point I was a good year and a half into seriously struggling to control my relationship with alcohol. I had read so much about how you need to give booze-free living at least 100 days to really see how it goes. I had also read so many people talking about how incredible sobriety was and how it brought them back to their real self.
So I thought – I am desperate to sparkle again. I sparkled once (and by sparkle, I just mean that I lived with contentment and optimism, and loving kindness to the world), I can sparkle again, dammit. So I committed to 100 days.
And then I drank, got up, brushed myself off and committed again.
Drank, got up, brushed off, committed.
Repeat ad nauseum (literally, in most cases).
Honestly I started to think 100 days was impossible. Maybe you’re here, where the thought of stringing three digits together is mind-bogglingly impossible. Been there.
But finally, FINALLY, here I am, three digits on my sober tracker. So the big question is, am I sparkling? I would say yes, AND.
Yes, I am sparkling again – AND the sparkle is so much truer and kinder and gentler than I expected. I am slowly developing a loving care and respect for myself that is nothing short of miraculous. I have confidence in myself to do things I wouldn’t have let myself believe were possible before. I’m mothering myself like I should have been, and like I hope I can teach my children to do.
I knew it would be good, and it IS good, but so much more differently good than I could have predicted. Deeper and more meaningful. It’s not just not drinking. That’s almost a small piece of it now. It’s so much more about loving and encouraging myself and showing up every day to take care of me.
A sober friend asked today if I was going to continue. It was almost a surprise, like what? You think there’s any way I would possibly give this new life up? For the sake of WINE? No way in effing hell. What a racket.
And can I just say, what a beautiful about-face that is from the struggles early on. I am, and continue to grow more and more grateful.
If you’re struggling, please love yourself and continue. It’s worth it, and YOU are worth it.